51 Personal Crises…

…updated For 2017

By Superbalist 

In the 1920s, Dr Walton Cannon began recording connections between stressful periods in a person’s life and the appearance of physical ailments. A decade later, Dr Adolf Meyer compiled a ‘life chart’, which specifically correlated health problems with a person’s particular life circumstances at the time. This process was refined during the 1950s and 1960s and resulted in the creation of the Social Readjustment Rating Scale, which ranked 43 life crises – from the death of a spouse (87) to  divorce (71) to being a victim of police brutality (69) on a scale of Life Change Units (LCUs).

Those are all very real, very terrible things, however, with a new age comes additional horrors, and so we’ve taken it upon ourselves to curate an updated list. LCUs? No time for them. We've used emojis to illustrate the traumas you'll face from day to day as you go about your millennial business.

1. Typing… Typing… Typing… 


2. Two blue ticks and no reply.

3. Your recent one night stand is a new starter at the place where you work. 

4. Your Uber driver is en route, but you’re still standing at baggage claim. 

5. Sale item is available, just not in your size.

6. Seeing someone you know but not wanting to talk to them, then bumping into them another 17 times in the frozen food aisle. 

7. Your parents' casual racism at every single family gathering.

8. Using the wrong personal pronoun and knowing that you're better than this. 

9. Realising that you, a white person, have chosen a rap track with the n-word in it at karaoke.

10. Seeing a dude in the same sneakers as you.

11. Going in with the incorrect handshake.

12. When they don’t get the reference. 

13. Avoiding spoilers the day after GoT has broadcast in the States. 

14. When there’s no water in the cooler at work, everyone has seen you try to pour yourself a cup, and now you have to choose whether you walk away casually or replace the unit.

15. Calling someone out for their misspelled tweet but yours is misspelled, too. 

16. Creeping your crush’s Instagram and mistakenly double-tapping a pic from two years ago.

17. Having to look at NSFW content at work.

18. Having to introduce someone to someone whose name you’ve forgotten.

19. Getting called out for not crediting the photographer of a casual, candid, party picture you've reposted. 

20. The meal's over, everyone's ready to leave, you left your wallet at home, and your SnapScan isn't working.

21. 1% battery, your Uber is on its way (or is it?).

22. Having to use the unisex toilets for a number deuce. 

23. Having to quietly ask someone what an unknown internet acronym is, then being publicly dragged for not knowing it.

24. Dealing with a serious conversation in an elevator, then having a stranger step inside for the rest of the ride.

25. Being seated at the restaurant in the single table next to your ex. 

26. Card declined.

27. Rich friends making big birthday plans for the weekend before payday, then saying "Let's all split it!"

28. Someone with the same surname as you becoming the newest face of racism through one of their 'Boxing Day at the beach' posts going viral.

29. Being caught out and about on a strategic sick day.

30. Whining about someone in the group chat privately with a friend, then accidentally sending the text to the group.

31. Hitting "add to story" on a compromising nude intended for your crush. 

32. Getting caught behind your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend in spinning. 

33. Mistaking the 45-minute spinning class for the 90-minute one.

34. Flipping the bird at someone in traffic only to realise it's a co-worker.

35. Seeing the new guy you're dating liking the last 15 posts on @AssAssAssAss at 4am.

36. Mistakingly sending a screenshot of someone, to that someone.

37. Getting someone's name wrong and then making it worse by saying you got it wrong because you remind them of someone who "looks just like them"/someone they hate/someone you hate.

38. Stalking someone on Facebook only to realise two hours later that you shared their profile picture from 2007.

39. Not shaking sufficiently at the urinal and leaving a dribble on your chinos

40. Shaking too vigorously at the urinal and leaving a dribble on the front of your shirt. 

41. Being caught mid-selfie. 

42. Typing the letter "p" into the search bar when using your personal computer at work.  

43. Stalking your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend and realising she's got her life together, and is possibly even a perfect 10. 

44. Getting that "let's meet up" text from someone you've been borderline cat-fishing. 

45. Thinking the new sugar-free chocolate you've discovered is the perfect treat only to learn it causes seven different strains of potentially incurable disease. 

46. Not realising you're riding in an UberBLACK until the very end. 

47. Leaving work at 16:58 and bumping into the CEO as you hit the revolving door. 

48. Using "love" instead of "luv" or "x" in a text to your casual fling.

49. Boob sweat at the office.

50. Bumping into the person who's been ignoring you on Tinder (and their partner).

51. Pairing Nike with adidas.