Your summer sequel to our friendly winter dating guide
Words: Talya Galasko | Illustrations: Kobie Nieuwoudt
Several months back I wrote a recreational guide to dating during winter – a how-to for those unable to survive the cold in a state of solitude – known otherwise as being single, if you will. While I understand that the abovementioned began with the words: ‘there’s no better time to be single than during summer’, a situation involving me arriving at RTD alone with 3-ply toilet paper in one hand and gluten-free crackers in the other has forced me to withdraw all former comments made. This, plus the completely made-up stats on the conversion rate of singles to seeing somebody following the article’s publication, compelled us to push for a summer sequel.
So here we are again, encouraging you to shack up once more, with respective romances based entirely on what you need/want from the season. Please enjoy, if not for my pearls of wisdom, at least for the lovely illustrations by Kobie.
THE FIXER UPPER
Why: Summer can be real tough on the bank balance, especially if you exhaust funds originally reserved for a holiday in Europe on Shimmy Beach Club tickets and vodka Red Bulls (speaking directly from personal experience. Au revoir Paris, welcome Welkom). Ease the burden of your first-world problems by finding the behind-the-scenes guy. What most people don’t know about these types is their real sweetheart edge. This will come out mostly when 'Dancing Queen' is playing at 4am and you’re the only two left in the club, but not when you’re trying to get your posse of BFs from school through the front door. Don’t be that person. Rather forget friend-related obligations and live your best life from the comfort of a private lounge at Caprice. Doesn’t matter that it doubles up as a storeroom, you’re a VIP now.
How: Find his soundcloud profile and drop a few subtle hints in the comment box. “Nice track, my number is 0861234567?” – just a suggestion.
Who: It’s been lovely, Jorgé.
Why: I lived in New York for a little while, and my roommate came to visit me last December. I took him to a restaurant in Camps Bay – one that I’d never visited before – and greeted all the waiters with arbitrary first names, laughing to the tune “I’ll have my regular,” which ended up being just a hamburger. The point is, there’s nothing more beautiful than vacationing in your hometown, and experiencing all that it has to offer under the assumed personality of a fictitious character copied directly from your favourite film starring Julia Roberts.
If that doesn’t work for you, there was also the summer when I was a blonde, demure Australian girl and met and fell in love with the American boy of my dreams on the beach. Unbeknownst to me, my parents would not return to Australia once the summer was over and me and my lover would end up at the same high school where he felt pressured to maintain his bad-boy attitude. Thankfully I altered my moral composition entirely and changed his mind while strutting in a full-leather ensemble to 'You’re the one that I want'.
WHO: Fishhoek by day, Cape Wheel by night.
WHY: The great thing about Adventure Guy is that he always seems to know a guy. Ever wanted to launch yourself off of Signal Hill in a triangular-shaped contraption of death? Perfect, he happens to have met the guy behind Glide CT, or something like that, while hiking the Otter Trail with nothing but a pocket knife and packet of Fritos. Scuba diving license expired? No problem. His mate Wolfgang has experience in the forged recreational documents trade and can sort you out, on the house. I was encouraged to write here that adventure man could be really good for your ‘gram feed, but my opinion is to lay off the tech, immerse yourself in nature and just go with whatever Bear Grylls’ references come your way. I’d advise keeping these words close to heart, especially while you’re strapped to the top of Lion’s Head in a tepee tent for the night.
YOUNGER SCENE KID
WHO: Young N Lazy sweatshirt, moonbag over the shoulder, DJs occasionally at Yours Truly (referred to henceforth as YT).
WHY: This may be your last summer before your back gives in, so try to make the most of it and suck the youth from a young scene kid in the same way Charlize Theron does in that film where she once again pretends to have an American accent. Unlike the older crowds, this type tends toward the scene-y places like the Power & the Glory, and events where they/their mate is DJ’ing so “pull thru bb.” In addition to the cool events and condescending style tips, you’ll also end up at a couple of house parties where you meet a ton of other scene kids that run skate magazines, etc. by day and DJ by night.
PRO TIP: Be prepared for 4am post-jols. As in they start at 4am. 4am.
WHO: A dose of Vitamin D.
WHY: Imagine the human version of the in-flight BA publication – that’s your guy. He’s a pleasant mix between the fixer-upper and adventure man, with the defining factor being that his trading hours last September–March. Discovery bicycles, SUPing, riding camels in Kommetjie, Clifton 1, 2, 3, 4 – then we try Beta Beach. Yes, he has pre-bought tickets for all day parties and will always have “an extra space in his shuttle” for you. He also happens to be the most comprehensive insight you’ll get into the shit you absolutely can’t miss out on this summer – which on some days might be the hippo spotting at Rondvlei Nature Reserve. Just try not to lose your heart to this one. Once winter returns, he’ll forget what love is and become an empty husk where a beautiful soul once lived.