The Festival Folk

6 annoying people you'll see at every festival

Words: Melly Neil | Illustrations: Jade Klara 

Music makes the people come together, it’s gospel – Madge said so. What she fails to mention, though, is that when a large group of people comes together at a music festival, it’s almost guaranteed that there’ll be a few individuals deserving of their own stage.

The Selfie Queen

There’s never been an occasion that didn’t warrant for her to rotate her iPhone camera and photograph herself. And how great that the organisers have put together all these backdrops for her to shoot herself against?! From her fire #OOTD to insisting on a group selfie after meeting you and your crew, this self-documenter has data, power banks, a selfie-stick, outfit options for days, and she’s adamant she's going to use all of them.

The Hater

From bemoaning the lineup as soon as it was announced “@SADBOI – LOL, South Africa, where bands come to die” this person is never quite happy with anything, but is only too happy to let everyone know about it. After criticising the headliner, the venue, the sponsor and the addition of a new stage, they’ll then boycott the event, where, from the comfort of their mom’s basement will feverishly scroll their Insta for updates, search the hashtag on Twitter and absorb Snapchat stories while commenting mean things and spewing their hate.

The Older Person

Not to be confused with the overprotective parents who set up camp alongside their sprogs because they feel uncomfortable letting their child go to a festival alone, this middle-aged person still attends festivals because they’re never going to settle down or conform to the norm. They’re actually pretty fun for a while, dancing like nobody is watching because, well, when you’re 35-years-old at a festival you become invisble to everyone else. But gather around and listen to their tales of how much better the event was before it was commercialised, how the kids of today are pussies for rehydrating, how they watched bands like The Wild Eyes “when music was about the music, man.” When you realise these people are only seven years older than you and their skin has the texture of the inside of a plug because it's been ravaged by years of raves, you’ll reach for that water and relish in just saying "no".

The Organised One

The event organisers still haven’t been able to release a consolidated  programme but somehow Shelly has a detailed spreadsheet, laminated of course, connected to a lanyard and worn around her neck. Look closely and you’ll see there’s a star rating next to each act and she’s also factored in enough time for toilet breaks, snacks and a cheeky sunset spritzer. If anyone knows how to survive a festival, it's Shelly. 

The Mooch

The guy’s like a pair of underpants – always on the bum. He showed up with a backpack and a hoodie wrapped around his waist, and keeps asking where you’re sleeping. Which he knows is, obviously, in your tent. After all, he watched you set it up while walking that other dude’s slack-line alongside it. Otherwise have you got dash for his drink? Actually, you got some more drink? And can he borrow your boardshorts? And how's about a bite of your boerewors roll, brah? Don’t be like that, just spot him this once and he’ll get you later. So what’s actually in his backpack? Excuses.

The Hypebeast

This guy flew down to Cape Town for the Pablo pop-up and has the merch to prove it. This time, he’s synced his arrival perfectly to watch that one beardo you’ve never heard of play industrial noise out of a laptop. He’ll then leave as soon as this set is done where he’ll probably revert to his other incarnation, The Hater, and say how bad everything was.