07.12.2015

A quick guide to your office party

What to expect when formal turns festive

By Hugh Upsher

How do you show employees that you appreciate their work without putting money directly into their pocket? Easy answer: throw a compulsory party for them. It’s one part team building, one part celebration and one part tool for releasing any sexual tension that has built up over the course of the year. Office parties come in all sorts of forms based on the scale of the company, as well as the size of the boss’s ego. No matter where you end up, you’ll always have these people at the party:

The person who has been looking forward to it since last year

This person doesn’t get out as much as they used to, but they are not afraid to mention how much of a ‘maniac’ they were ‘back in the day’. Things are different now with the job, family and house, there just hasn’t been as much time for mindless fun. This is why when the office party comes around, they finally can let the horse out the stable and prove that they can be the ultimate cool-dad.

The person who can’t believe the food and booze is free

They come in and order a beer, and once the bartender explains that he doesn’t have to pay for it, the eyes light up. This leads him to confirming the fact with at least four or five other employees. Once his brain has wrapped halfway around the concept, he goes into full exploitation mode. Buying shots for unwilling people as if it was his tab, investigating which is the most expensive whiskey they’re allowed to order and then mixing it with coke light.

The person who you’ve barely ever spoken to and is now giving you a mouthful

What you thought was a shy and quiet co-worker will magically transform after two sips of gin. They have been waiting ALL year to explain to you (and many others I imagine) that they are in fact not a shy and quiet person at all. Shock and horror right? Is this good news? I suppose so. I hope for your sake they don’t overcompensate for a year of being boring by attempting to be the most drunk.

The person you should try and be more like

Everyone experiencing an office party should be incredibly grateful to have a job in the first place; the fact that your job entails mandatory fun is amazing and should not be scoffed at. Basically, don’t be a dick about it. You spend most of your God-given hours on earth around these people so try your best to embrace the chance to not speak about work for a few of them.

Even if the music is shitty and the person you like the least in your office happens to have the loudest voice, there is no reason why you shouldn’t get into the spirit of things. Wear the silly hat, buy the kooky secret santa present and do your very best to keep track of how many drinks you’ve had. Your co-workers will never forget that time you wore a Borat unitard and grinded with several of your female colleagues on the dance floor.