04.08.2015

Weekly Web Boners Vol. 17

The saga of Cecil, Drizzy vs Meek Mill, and humans stop making a waste of space!

 

Words: Max Dylan Lazarus

Goodnight, Sweet Prince: Cecil the Lion

We start this week in Zimbabwe, with what has bizarrely become one of the most culturally relevant stories of this last week; that of Cecil the Lion’s untimely death by the hands of Minnesotan dentist, Walter Palmer. Everyone on the Internet is absolutely enraged, appalled and mortified. Hadn’t you heard – he’s a Zimbabwean icon (despite local media now reporting about him for the first time pretty much ever)! The way he was killed was horrible and cowardly, but the media and corporate responses since then have been hilariously over the top too, with newspapers committing pages of stories to Cecil, the Days of our Lives-style coverage of his brother Jericho (He’s dead! He’s alive! He’s now caring for Cecil’s children!), and faux-charity responses to the story like Goldgenie and HTC’s collaborative “RIP Cecil” cellphone-cover costing over R30 000. Our resident tinfoil-hat-wearing Blog editor Dylan Muhlenberg is certain that a story this bizarre could only exist by design, created by some shadowy Illuminati-style organisation to distract us from other more important happenings. Who would do such a thing – The Elders of Lion? Ha, outrageous. But listen, there were many more significant stories that happened this week other than just Cecil. Gather around children, it’s time to learn…

99 wifi luftballons

Ok, so how’s this for a weird dystopian sci-fi premise? Sri Lanka is poised to become the first country with full nation-wide 3G access thanks to Google’s Project Loon. Having consulted with the dev team here at Superbalist Towers, I think I now know exactly how it works: Basically, Google will use solar-powered balloons floating 20km high in the stratosphere to beam affordable internet to the whole of Sri Lanka! How amazing – you can now send your family Snapchats from the rural village you’re working at during your Eat Pray Love adventure. All of this was announced last week by Mike Cassidy, VP of Google X. What is Google X you ask? Well, turns out it’s Google’s partially-secret organisation involved in major technological advancements. Give me 2 minutes to put on my tinfoil hat, Muhlenberg might have been onto something.

In space, no one can hear you scream

It’s not only Google climbing to high altitude with the goal of creating improved internet penetration: This week, Pornhub announced their intention to fund their way to space so as to create the first ever low-gravity porno. They’ve already managed to raise $10,000 of the $3.4 million required, and unlike last year’s mysterious Mission to Mars balls-up, they’re fairly confident that this project will happen. In all seriousness though, from a scientific perspective, having people engage in the sex while in space will be a very important endeavour – a necessary chapter we’ll need to understand ahead of any future space travel. Too bad Pornhub aren’t too interested in that, though... They’ve admitted to just wanting Eva Lovia and Johnny Sins to orgasm in zero gravity. Ugh, pornographers, who would have imagined them being such sleaze-bags?

Parlez-vous français?

A slightly older story, but one that I simply couldn’t leave out: the newest world French Scrabble champion has been crowned! His name is Nigel Richards and he doesn’t speak a word of French. The 48-year-old Kiwi has won the English Scrabble championship 3 times and the UK Open 6 times, and decided it was high time he tried his luck at another language. He memorised a French dictionary over the course of 9 weeks, which was apparently enough to get him to the final, where he beat Gabon’s Schélick Ilagou Rékawé to a standing ovation. He is widely considered the best Scrabble player of all time, using his photographic memory, mathematical genius and smelly beard to excel at the game in a way your father wishes he could. Following this unbelievable victory a self-proclaimed Scrabble super-fan, Jean-Baptiste Morel, wrote: “He has learned no language logic, just a succession of letter sequences giving rise to words. In his head it’s binary.” There we have it friends: Scrabble isn’t about words anymore, Jenga has nothing to do with balance, and Monopoly is actually an exercise in astrophysics. Everything makes total sense, continue as you were.

Delevingne delivers yet again

Don’t get too thrown off by Scrabble becoming a maths exercise, though – the more things change, the more they stay the same. What’s a week in 2015 without one of the world’s most successful women enjoying some casual sexism thrown her way? While doing interview rounds ahead of the release of her film Paper Towns, Cara Delevingne made some Twitter waves with the manner in which she responded to some pretty awful questions from some clearly underprepared interviewers. It started with them calling her “Carla”, and followed up with them asking her if she’d read the book that the movie is based on (a boring question laced with significant sexism considering how her male co-star gets asked in interviews “when” instead of “if”). Dream-girl Delevingne had no time for this, answering sarcastically and rudely to most of the questions thrown her way, resulting in the Internet, as always, offering its opinion. Some say she was out of line and over-entitled, but we side with the rational human beings who want to give her a high-five – kudos to Cara for showing us how to deal with idiots.

Let's get ready to rumble: Drake vs Meek Mills

Finally, say what you want about Drizzy’s Twitter duel with Meek Mill, but its certainly added some much-needed interest to what has otherwise become a pretty passive, feud-less hip hop scene (I mean, unless you count Kanye picking on an anaemic homeless acoustic-dubstep-artist Beck as a cool feud). Just in case you’ve been living under a rock, it’s probably best that I summarise the timeline of events. It started with Meek Milhouse punching out a tweet claiming that Drake Neethling uses a ghostwriter to come up with his raps. Some people from both camps supported and dismissed Mill’s claims, but this was firmly put to bed with Drake’s response a few days later. This came in imperious form with the releases of Charged Up and then Back to Back. Shots very much fired. Mills responded with Wanna Know, but consensus seems to be that it’s pretty weak and Drake comes out on top. It’s not only me that thinks this by the way: wrestling hero, Bret the Hitman Hart, came out in support of his fellow Canadian. And to add insult to injury, the WWE has come out threatening to sue Meek Mill for sampling The Undertaker’s entrance music in his diss track. Seriously, the world has lost the plot.