AfrikaBurn Characters

By Hugh Upsher

Every year you come across online photo albums full of kooky people dressed as aliens, tall crazy sculptures and naked dudes riding bikes in the desert, and then think to yourself, "I should totally go to AfrikaBurn next year!" Personally, I’ve never been, so that puts me in the perfect position to let you know exactly what AfrikaBurn 2016 will be like. 

Between embracing the fleeting bubble of a beautifully utopian community and your journey to finding your true self, you’ll meet some real characters. Make sure you’re ready for them.

The Young Sage

This 3rd year BA student will lecture you for three hours rambling on about Bernie Sanders and the demise of capitalism as we know it. Just nod along and avoid contradicting them when they are blatantly wrong, as this will cause bad vibes.

The Old Sage

Some 46-year-old will dish out mystical life advice based directly on their own regrets and shortcomings. Listen carefully, but also keep an ear out for opportunities to change the subject, or simply leave.

The Mooch

The most friendly and approachable type of burner, it’ll take about five minutes for them to figure out what you’re offering and how it could benefit them. Their survival relies purely on networking so don’t take it personally when they ditch you for the Trustafarian crowd.

The Trustafarian

These well-off burners tend to fly in and then stay at a four-star base camp camper-van that would put your own home to shame. They come dressed in flowing white clothes, acting like characters from that old TV show Touched By An Angel.

The Insta-burner

Their sole purpose of coming all this way was to get the perfect profile picture. They even packed two power banks to keep their iPhone alive for every possible selfie opportunity.

The burnout

They seem to feel the vibe a little bit too much. At first they're friendly and chilled, but at some point you’ll realise they’ve lost their ability to use their words and are only capable of nodding and giggling. Not great for conversation.  

BONUS: The drop out

Not pictured because they won't be there. Again. This person buys tickets every year only to try sell them online the week before for no reason other than it being too much of a mission. They’ll definitely go next year though.