Swipe Right

Words: Max Dylan Lazarus | Styling: Mira Leibowitz | Photography: Nick Gordon | Design: Sabrina Scott

Don’t try selling me that whole “Valentine's Day is meaningless” shpiel, it’s just not true. Sure, around early February all of social media falls into nausea-inducing overdrive, with every insecure party trying to get some sort of public best-boyfriend noddy badge on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Good job on going viral you guys – I think I’ve definitely caught some of it myself – but for those couples keeping things between themselves, what a lovely annual event it can be.

I remember Valentine’s Day back in 2013. It was a few months into my housemate and his girlfriend’s relationship when he organised what I can only assume remains a pivotal event in their shared lives. A home-cooked meal, eaten in candlelight on picnic blankets on the roof of the apartment block, only accessible by illicitly climbing out through a window. A beautiful, intimate moment shared between two young lovers, and also me, and now everyone else I guess. I remember this, of course, because I was sitting in the living room at the time, balancing a pizza box on my bare belly, watching David Attenborough explain the mating habits of hedgehogs. There were acts of courtship all around me, while I spent my evening picking a tricky piece of fallen avo out my belly button. So don’t you tell me Valentine’s Day is meaningless. Once you’ve been where I’ve been, it’s pretty damn important.

Thankfully though we aren’t in prehistoric 2013 anymore – this is 2016, a wonderful time in human history when any single lonely person can use an app called Tinder to scour for company and kisses, all while misrepresenting themselves to various degrees (preferred level for most: dramatic) to hide any evidence of personality flaws and debilitating insecurities. Heterosexual men are especially guilty of doing this, and that’s why for most women it’s quite easy to categorise their prospective matches on Tinder into certain archetypes (yes, yes, women do it too, stop crying over your keyboard you valiant #NotAllMen warrior). So the question stands as follows: if you’re not just going to be your wonderfully unique, complicated and flawed self, which stereotype will work best for you on Tinder so as to make sure that you won’t be sitting alone come February 14th?

And so was born the idea for an investigation into how effectively I could transform myself – not into something I was not and could never be, but into personas that I could have become if life had taken a few different turns, and which I could still become if it turned out that they were overwhelmingly attractive to women.

Having decided on the four most common archetypes, we got down to work. The wonderful Mira Leibowitz styled me for each look with clothes from Superbalist, and then Nick Gordon shot the pictures in both the office and its surrounding areas. The decision was made to upgrade to Tinder Plus to be able to swipe in different cities, so as to avoid overlaps as well as the risk of frightening people who matched with a multiple-personality weirdo. Each personality would be in their chosen city for 24 hours, and I would swipe right indiscriminately during lunch and toilet breaks to see how many matches were achieved.

Finally, the decision was made that no communication would be had with any matches, and all of them would be deleted after the assigned 24 hour period. Why, you ask? Well firstly because this is purely a scientific experiment, with the aim of discovering which stereotype, when fully embraced, would be the most appealing to women, plus-minus my age, out there in the world – and also because everyone in the office has been looking at me skeptically ever since I suggested doing this experiment.

Archetype 1: Joller boet

TINDER BIO:

EUROTRIP COMIN AT YA!!!!!!

Beers, burpies and Bettys – eat, sleep, party, repeat

I’m a down-to-earth guy who loves a good party. When I’m not playing rugby or at the gym you’ll find me jolling with the boys – mates are my life but looking for a lady to hang with us too!

 Who is he:

This bloody legend is just your normal fun guy. He probably went to an all-boys school, still hangs out with his day 1s, works hard and plays even harder, and you’d better believe some of his best friends are black. What’s his favourite drink? “Well it depends, do you mean pre or post workout!” Hahaha, good one Gazza, you’re a bloody legend.

What message is he putting out there:

He’s ultra-masculine and loads of fun. He’s fit, he’s strong, and has a real tight social circle, meaning that he’s loyal and can be vouched for. Bros before hoes always, but now that everyone’s getting engaged I guess it couldn’t hurt spending more time with his (potential) chick. He loves to drink, he loves to party, and he’s a guaranteed good time.

What to look out for in his pictures:

Sports gear, outdoor activities and at least one pic of him in a tank top or topless after rugby. Odds are one of them will be a candid picture of him drinking a beer, or partying at a Colour Run, or maybe skydiving or enjoying some adventure holiday (Thailand baby). There’ll be a nice picture of him with a girl – is she his girlfriend? Is she his ex? Sister? Friend? You’ll never really know, because she’s been mostly cropped out.

How did it go:

“Boy you just know we’re getting absolutely motherless this Eurotrip – London here we come ma boiiii!” All in all the boytjie did well – 10 matches! Sure, it’s 10 out of like a thousand, but as Coach Dazza used to say during our unbeaten 6-month stint in the under-16s, “You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket.” Either way, despite his adorable attachment to his mates, this guy’s totally set for some dates. Brilliant.

Archetype 2: Top Billing Lifestyle Man

TINDER BIO:

“The lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of the sheep”

“Tough times never last, tough people do”

CEO of my own startup, always looking for exciting opportunities. I work hard for this lifestyle, and this lifestyle works for me. Looking for company for dinners and parties for the week. Must be someone real, intelligent, ambitious, and with a taste for the finer things in life. Swipe right if you’re looking to share some success. I don’t like women who wear too much makeup.

Who is he:

Fast cars, bespoke suits, luxury holidays, crippling debts and of course, the business card with the watermark. This guy here has put in the long hours, still works like a dog... but you wouldn’t be able to tell based on all the amazing photos he puts up. How many fancy restaurants can one man actually visit in a week? He did his Business Science degree or LLB, slogged through articles, climbed the ranks in the business and even occasionally finds time to see his parents. “The problem with this country”, he says (again), “is the lack of entrepreneurial spirit.” He always overstates where he’s at career-wise, and calls having a conversation “networking”.

What message is he putting out there:

Anyone can be nice or funny or good-looking, but it’s mostly out of your hands, isn’t it? However, to be rich and successful, and to be able to afford to live the high life in 2016, well, that’s pretty rare. It’s so rare, in fact, that this guy can get away with being selfish. Actually scratch that – he will go so far as to attribute his success to that selfish streak. Basically, you’re the reacher here, and he’s willing to take you along for the ride.

What to look out for in his pictures:

Suits, elevator selfies, perfectly styled hair and, woah, are those cufflinks? I didn’t think anyone actually wore cufflinks! There’ll always be a photo of him in front of a vintage sports car, or a private jet, or on the yacht with other beautiful people, and don’t be shocked to see a photo of him receiving an award or giving some TED-talk style presentation.

How did it go:

Well, we actually don’t have any vintage convertibles at Superbalist HQ, let alone a private chopper, so we had to improvise somewhat by throwing in a George-Clooney-drinking-a-Nespresso style photo as a compromise. Despite this obvious setback, this Briefcase Bro did pretty damn well in New York, receiving 18 matches, including one Super Like (Heyo!), as well as 2 opening messages: “Hey when’s your birthday” and “Well you’ve upgraded haven’t you?”. Needless to say, people are clearly into the Top Billing lifestyle over in NYC, and this type of guy won’t be struggling to find companionship abroad, despite not liking women who do what they want with their own faces.

Archetype 3: The Humanitarian

TINDER BIO:

27-year-old citizen of the world, living in beautiful Africa, the cradle of mankind.

Been focusing on disconnecting from all the unnecessary distractions of modern life, growing myself and my positive energy, trying to fix the world one person at a time and revelling in the beauty that is mother nature.

Looking for a unique spirit to join me on this journey called life.

#420

 Who is he:

A gentle soul put on this confusing, harsh world, looking to find perfect consciousness, discover meaning, and become really good at urban agriculture and fire poi. He loves animals, he loves people, he loves nature, he recently became a vegan and used to do a few trance parties back in the day – before they fell victim to profiteers. You know, when’s the last time you put away your phone, went and sat on a mountain, shut your eyes and listened to the vast and beautiful nothingness of the world? He spent a year in Kenya teaching kids English and documenting his experiences on his blog, cos you know, you really don’t appreciate just how lucky and fortunate we all are until you’ve seen the smiling face of an African child. “It matters to this starfish.”

What message is he putting out there:

He cares. He really cares. He hates how Capitalism has corrupted the world, and so it’s important to experience other cultures so as to heal our fractured world. In other words, “No are you mad? I refuse to work in an office, my parents are helping me with this trip.”

What to look out for in his pictures:

You can expect a selfie of him surrounded by underprivileged children from his last 60 minute stint on Mandela Day, as well as a photo of him cradling some damn-near-extinct jaguar or porpoise from an expensive visit to the wildlife shelter (you simply have to visit, they do wonderful work, they really do). You might find a yoga pose performed under a waterfall or just a candid photo of him staring out into nature, a single tear slowly falling down his cheek.

How did it go:

Not too well, really, which is a shame cos this guy seems to have good intentions – not that that’s any excuse for his whole universal synergy shtick. It would appear that the women of Berlin weren’t overly enamoured by him: five matches isn’t a wild outcome considering the amount of swipes, but hey, at least it’s five wonderful spirits who can recognise and appreciate a kindred earth-child.

Archetype 4: Sex Man

TINDER BIO:

 No need for games – swipe right if you want it, ladies always come first 😉

Looking for a good time, no strings attached, no bullshit, just easy fun.

Hmu on Snapchat @somuchmaxxx

Who is he:

Credit where credit’s due I guess – you know exactly what this guy’s intentions are. He’s happily single (or not, who really knows) and doesn’t want to waste time with things like dating, wooing and learning surnames or one’s health status. Read the bio baby: “looking for a good time.” Does an HIV test sound like a good time? Does wearing a condom sound like a good time? Not to this guy it doesn’t. Warning: will send lots and lots of dick pics.

What message is he putting out there:

This guy has done the sex before and he is damn good at it. He also has a penis. He’s a dangerous rule-breaker, and your parents would totally flip if they knew you had anything to do with him. Hey, did you hear he was recently in sex rehab? For sex! So dangerous. So sexual.  

What to look out for in his pictures:

Topless mirror selfies are pretty standard, or a partially clothed shot with the attention firmly focused on the naughty bits. General partying and rule-breaking shots come standard, but always along with a seriously smug look.

How did it go:

I tried to get the designers to photoshop my head onto a picture of someone with a sixpack. Sadly this is one personality that I simply couldn’t imitate fully – this poor man’s Seth Rogen doesn’t exactly have a cheese grater for abs. That being said, Hong Kong certainly responded to this archetype with 8 matches, a lot more than I expected. And you know what, why not actually? We’re all adults here, and of all the personalities we’ve designed this one seems to be the most honest, and mind you, this is Tinder we’re dealing with – we’re not playing on Match.com. Hell yeah, sex! Just like the hedgehogs!

So what have we learned, playing this silly game called ‘Tinder’? Well, no matter who you are, if you’re willing to swipe forever in a big enough city then you’re sure to find yourself someone who likes you on an entirely superficial level. It’s encouraging I guess. Furthermore, while it would seem that portraying yourself as a businessy lifestyle man is much better than as a pseudo-spiritual nature man in terms of finding people open to chatting to you, there’s probably a lot more value in just going one at a time, matching, meeting the person face to face and deciding from there. After all, a bad date is nothing other than a good story – and meeting face to face is the only way to see beyond the projected personalities that people put up on Tinder. Everyone does it, maybe not as extremely as me here, but pretty similarly. I mean, for all I know, every person I matched with might have been another person doing a similar Valentine’s Day social experiment for another youth culture blog. Either way, it makes no difference, every match I accrued is now deleted, so I guess I’ll just have to prepare for another late night in with David Attenborough and pizza come February 14th.