18.11.2015

Quick guide to Matric Rage

Read this as preparation for getting rage ready

By Hugh Upsher

If you are currently on the verge of finishing Matric exams, you most likely have two things going through your mind right now. One, the terrifying realisation that you need to figure out what to do with the rest of your life; and two, how hard you are going to jol at Matric Rage.

Rage is a special time in your life where you have unlimited energy, no idea of what a real hangover feels like and you’re blissfully unaware of how cruel and unforgiving the real world can be. It is one of those few once in a lifetime events, unless you’re the type of creep who goes back a few years in a row to hit on the ‘fresh meat’. Nevertheless, you’ll always remember your first, so here’s how not to totally stuff it up:

You don’t have to go to ALL the parties

There are club owners who are looking to milk this teen tidal wave for all it’s worth, which means there’ll be some big important party every single night. Don’t be fooled by glossy flyers, or desperate club promoters pushing the FOMO factor on you. Your best memories will most likely come from the night you stay in and talk crap with your friends.

If you do insist on blowing your cash on exorbitant entrance fees to parties, don’t be annoyed with yourself for deciding that walking three kilometers back to your house was a good idea. Also, don’t be annoyed with yourself when you are mixing water with your ProNutro the next morning because you ran out of milk and you’d rather spend your last fifty rand on a six pack.

Nothing good happens after 2AM

This sounds like something your aunt would tell you, but it’s also from an episode of a lame TV show, and it’s wrong. More accurately, good things are progressively less likely to happen after 2AM, as people’s decision-making abilities devolve into mud after midnight.

My point is, at around 2:25AM you’re going to decide to finally message the hot girl or guy you like, but they’ll already be asleep. Then you’ll wake up and see that the message you wrote the night before had the spelling of a five year old and came across way too creepy. The person obviously hasn’t replied to it yet so you’ll write a second message that is apologetic and self-deprecating. Then you just never see them again. Who cares, stay up as late as you want. You only live once.

Know when to flirt

Flirting with everything all the time may increase your chances of a hook-up from a statistical point of view, but you need to factor in that most people will think you’re a creep for doing so. Matric Rage can be a great opportunity for young lust, but it’s also a great time to make new friendships. Don’t be the person who ruins a potentially fun conversation because you’re too busy being an uncontrollable horn-dog.

On the other hand, you don’t want to be the guy that laughs at a girl who asks for a light when you’re literally surrounded by tiki torches. It took me three days to realise she actually just wanted to talk to me, and another three years to realise how damaging that experience must have been to her self-esteem. If you’re out there, somehow, reading this: I’m sorry.

I can’t tell anyone not to do dumb stuff, but I can suggest you be strategic with when you decide to be dumb. Look after your friends, try not to have fun at other people’s expense, and avoid the foam parties at all costs.