Movember Manscaping Madness

With Movember manscaping madness here, these are the 5 best beard styles

By Hugh Upsher

Seeing as we're already a week into the month affectionately referred to as Movember, it’s probably about time we have the conversation about face fur. 

Firstly, regardless how goofy the Movember month challenge is, there's a really great message there about men’s health. This article is not about that though; this is about a man and his beard.

It’s difficult to critique something that happens organically, as growing a beard is a form of non-action, more so than action. It’s possibly even more difficult for me to do so when considering how I’m a 29-year-old man who is only capable of producing what most would describe as a ‘peach fuzz’. But since lumberjack beards have lost their hip edge, and winter is officially over it’s now time to consider what other options are out there.

The Chinstrap

Technically speaking, this grooming strategy does frame the face to give your jawline a more defined shape. Another thing that performs the same function is a bicycle helmet, but there is no reason anyone should be rocking either on a permanent basis. Whenever I see a chinstrap beard I immediately imagine that it is a functional strap used to lock the guys hair in place. Imagination is awesome!

The Soul Patch

This is one of the less ambitious looks to go for, as there isn’t much to it and is most commonly associated with first year university students who are looking to change their fortunes with the ladies by sporting a more sophisticated look. Unfortunately for me, someone once described his to me as a fanny-tickler, and now I can never shake the thought. For maximum effect, get it pierced and add a stainless steel stud into the mix.

The Pencil Moustache

Imagine a regular moustache, but thinner, and creepier. You can only ever really pull this look off if you are dressed as a 1940’s nightclub owner. Pencil moustache plus elegant pinstripe suit plus slicked-back hair equals "Wowza!" Pencil moustache plus prescription thick frame glasses plus a pair of blue crocs equals "Keep away from my children!"

The Goatee

This one comes in a variety of shapes and sizes but most importantly, you have to either play bass guitar or at least work in a music shop to make it work. The basic idea is to let a pre designated area below your chin run wild for several years. You are looking to get to the point where you can easily plat it for your medieval cosplay meet-ups.

Lamb Chops

To get this right you need to be the type of person who is very committed to a joke. The punch line in this case being your face. The only person who has come close to pulling off mutton chops is Wolverine, a fictional character who has literal dagger fists. You, my friend, are not Wolverine.

When choosing your beard update, it’s important to think about the people who will be affected by your choices. Like the partner who has to endure your grisly lips, the friends who have to be seen hanging out with you in public and us, the innocent bystanders who make up the general public. And even if you do it now, safe in the knowledge that you can quite anytime you want to, know that it will be documented and then brought up repeatedly by your friends to refer to that time in your life when you had questionable decision-making abilities. Perhaps one day when I am able to actually grow a beard I will be lucky enough to consider all these things...