Facebook Don’ts and Don’ts

Four people you need to unfriend right now

By Hugh Upsher

I always like to think of social media platforms as a kind of cyber clubhouse where you control the guest list of who is allowed in or not. You have all your besties, some random high school classmates, people you met at a bar one time and never saw again and a sprinkling of non-embarrassing relatives.

You’ll also let some of your favourite musicians inside to chime in along with a few brands (if they stay cool about it). Somewhere along the line however, things have gone wrong, and no matter how much you unfollow, unfriend and hide posts, your timeline is still an ugly mess.


The prolific spewer

These people can’t go two hours without proclaiming their superior opinions on anything from #FEESMUSTFALL to screaming sheep. They truly believe they are spinning eighteen carat golden threads from their keyboard. If I may be so bold as to misquote some Plato to you, “Wise people speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."

The frenemy status-maker

This practice is as old as time, but now you have a substantial audience to impose your crafty shade upon. Spoiler alert: this will almost always put you in a worse light than the supposed perpetrator. I say almost always because every now and then tuning someone in a public forum for doing something dumb can be enormously amusing to everyone involved. 

The Inspirational Guru

I’m very happy that these little messages of wisdom are helping you to get through your day, week or life in general, but you should know that it may not apply directly to everyone you’ve ever known. The one from yesterday certainly didn’t, and the one posted the day before didn’t either. Maybe you should consider buying yourself an entire self-help book instead of relying on your life advice coming out one clichéd sentence at a time.

Person who posts trash-bag headlines from garbage websites

Woah, that seems really interesting! I must know more about that! Oh, wait, this isn’t a credible news source, it's the BlogSpot of a loon with some twisted agenda. Thanks for wasting fifty seconds of my precious time. Do I really need to explain to you that just because something is posted online, it doesn’t necessarily make it true? I know six-year-olds less gullible than you. Fact.

Due to my strict post hiding tendencies, these examples that slip through are simply the tip of the online iceberg. Don’t even get me started on viral blooper videos or people who comment on links without even clicking through to read the article first. The simple solution for me would be to go online less often, or simply not to care as much. The complicated solution would be to rant about it in blog form and hope that somehow all six hundred and something of my Facebook friends read and adhere to my guidance.