Spanx, panties and something more sexy
Words: Talya Galasko | Illustrations: Maxine Aufrichtig
I was clearly affected by Daniel Cleaver’s endearing response to the flesh-coloured Spanx he discovered upon Bridget Jones in the 2001 film – for in pairs of pairs such as those I remained, from then until now with few intervals between.
“Now these are very silly little boots Jones.
And this is a very silly little dress.
And these are…
Fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.
No, no don’t apologise. I like them. I’m wearing something quite similar myself.”
Ah yes, give me high-waisted briefs, full-bummed boy shorts, broad-bottomed granny panties and I’m your girl! (Sadly this line has been less successful on the romantic front than was initially anticipated).
In my opinion, it's really quite simple: either you tend toward lingerie or you don’t. Some women are more comfortable with less and some are, well, more comfortable with more. Whatever your preference for fabric specifications however, ‘tis the month of love and if there ever was a time to treat a loved one or simply yourself – ‘tis now. So step out of your comfort zone and into an all-over lace bodystocking ladies!
If that’s a step too far however, find the ultimate Handy Undie Guide below. We’ve got something for everyone for all occasions, from casual rendezvous through to more support, more sultry and more Netlfix + chill.
Netflix and “chill”
The key to Netflix and chill is to make your story as believable as possible. What we’re saying is don’t show up in a lace bodystocking that’s see-through from breasts to thighs and expect anybody to believe you’re a down-to-earth gal looking to take it slow one episode at a time. Essential items of course include the trick bra – something that falls between “everyday comfort” and “saucy, sexy, sultry” (see-through probably too).
Netflix and literally just chill
So he asks you over to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy and you literally want to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You don’t want to hook up because you’re just friends or because you’ve watched the first movie four times over now and fallen asleep in the middle four times over too. To avoid all situations involving his hand and your leg or his head and your bosoms, let him know straight up that you’re there for the trilogy, company and popcorn.
The new good old granny panties
So you love full-bottomed briefs but the once-frilly trim along the hips can now be used as suspenders? Take it as a general rule of thumb that your beloved panties have in fact expired. In instances such as these, great care must be taken to avoid shocking granny-brief-loving girl (GBLG) all too quickly. Opt for a smooth transition, made possible by the comfort of hipster briefs with a lace update. Take note to pair with a T-shirt bra, assuming naturally that GBLG has a bra equally as dangerous as her briefs, with half an underwire and padding so pilled it’s turned into a waffle.
When you’re shy about your stomach but couldn’t be more proud of your ass.
Pretty self-explanatory. We love every part of you, but why not focus on showing off your best asset?
See what we did there?
First dates and first impressions
There’s nothing quite like flesh-coloured Spanx creeping out from the depths of a gorgeous dress to secure two blue ticks and no reply. I mean, if you met a guy for the first time who was clearly free-balling beneath his slacks you’d almost always question his personal hygiene and be weary of a future including ball scratching and other activities to go along. On a first date, you want to feel good in your clothes and partially out of them too. Think about it this way – if your dress strap slips off of your shoulder – do you want a delicate lace strap to be in its place or one that reads ‘LOVE YOU’ in a luminous pink Arial font?
First dates and full reveals
If you’re taking ‘em home after a first date, and taking your clothes off too – make sure your lingerie matches your sass. Now’s the time to opt for bold reds, lavish lace and pretty much see-through everything in all the places that count. Make your first impression last is all we’re saying.
When you just need to treat yo self
If much of your young adult life has been lived from the depths of a sports bra – creating an awkward one-long-boob effect that confuses both sexes alike – it may be time to splurge a little and restore your breasts to the feminine proportions to which they once aspired. This is not about treating another person to exorbitant lace and overflowing frills – this is about comfort, fine fabrics and nothing in a shade resemblant of your own skin tone.
When you’re sick of shopping in the children’s section but shy away from mesh and lace, too.
Less-bosomed women are most likely to complain about the short end of the stick or something to that effect, when it comes to all things lingerie-ly. But if gravity is no problem for you, rest assured that padded bras, bralettes, triangle tops and anything with less than three clasps and bra straps with a width that spans both shoulder blades – was designed especially for you. You need not choose between the twin-pack aged 10-12 years in the children’s section and a padded bra that doubles up as a floatation device too, however. Just be you, be comfortable and take advantage of all things with thin straps and little underwire.
Slipping into something more comfortable
You’re settled down with someone who would accept you in the granny panties you left behind. But let’s backtrack because it’s not time to go that far back into your dark past just yet. There’s no need to compromise your own comfort, but something sweet and simple, even if under a baggy tee, goes a long way.
Go out and enjoy this month of love, ladies – whether from the depths of a lace bodystocking or simple hipster briefs, be sure to be confident. In front of him. In front of her. In front of your TV.