Tips to avoid certain death
By Hugh Upsher
This heatwave is the worst. It’s like being stuck in a shitty club with poor ventilation and you forgot where the exit was a long time ago. The gigantic fireball from space is making everyone super uncomfortable. People are breaking out in sweats just by scampering between one air-conditioned space to the next. Worst of all, this is one of the few things that us super-intelligent humans haven’t figured out how to completely control yet. What we can try and do is survive, unless it gets so hot that you literally could die, in which case I got nothing for you.
Go to the mall
You don’t need any reason to go beyond their almighty powers of air con. Nothing beats the breeziness of these climate-controlled, capitalist Meccas. Loitering in the mall is not a new concept; it was really big with teens in the 90s. If you don’t believe me watch the movie Mallrats – those kids were cool as hell. Take full advantage of their chilled air while you window shop for 3 straight hours. If you really want to max out on the chill factor, the cinema takes air con to another level.
The pool factor
If you currently have access to a pool, you suck. Everyone is really jealous of you. Do the right thing and invite everyone you know to come to your place for a swim, and do this every day. Not only does having a pool instantly give you a no-brainer cool-off option, you can also heavily leverage it for social gain and become the most popular human in the area by opening your patch of shiny blue up to the needy.
If you can’t crack an invite to a pool in the private sector, consider walking straight into a hotel lobby and make a beeline for the pool area. You’ll have to act the part of course, maybe order a drink from the bar to smooth it over. If questioned by management, let them know that your dad is staying there and then tangent off about how neglected you feel and they should start backing off. The worst-case scenario is they’ll politely ask you to leave. By this point though, you would’ve most likely got your fix of sweet pool action, and can let yourself out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Did you know a fridge doubles up as an air conditioner if you leave its door open long enough? Cold showers help, as does not wearing any clothes when you’re home (I have a pact with my neighbour where both of us stopped caring a long time ago). Eating ice-cream will give you momentary satisfaction, as will shaving off all your hair. Buy an electric fan or consider flying to Canada for a month, whichever is easier.
I hope this heat wave ends soon for everyone’s sake, but who knows it may just be a slow burn to the apocalypse? I’d like to think we had a good run, right? I don’t believe anyone promised us that the world wouldn’t frizzle up from under us. Hopefully this is not the case, however, these tips should help in keeping you alive for the next ten days or so.