A Quick Guide to House Parties

By Hugh Upsher

Remember that ridiculously amazing house party you went to a couple of years ago? Of course you flippen do! Where else can you make out with a stranger, get the DJ to actually play your song and create bizarre fridge magnet poetry all within metres of one another? It’s a no brainer to have everyone you like, and then some, in a house with booze and music, right? If it weren’t for neighbours, the clean-up and risk of every single thing in and around the house being broken or stolen, they would happen way more often. The infrequency of them just makes the experience that much more magical.

Have good humans

The success of a good house party will always come down to the people who show up on the night. Everything else is secondary. You can have Daft Punk playing in your house – but if you don’t have that guy who loves getting the dance floor going, it’ll be a flop. Unfortunately, there is a strong likelihood of that same guy throwing a pot plant off the roof and taking a piss on the lounge curtains later on. Sometimes one must accept the good with the bad.

Have good jams

If there is no music and dance floor at a party then you may just be at a get-together, in which case I feel bad for you son. The dance floor should be the beating heart of the party, where people come to recite rap lyrics poorly and get drinks spilt on them. It is important to acknowledge that the song selection should not be a democratic process. Speaking from experience, the one person who persists on changing the music only wants to make it exponentially worse. If you are one of those few people who still think ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ is the most badass song in the universe, do yourself a favour and keep it to yourself.

Avoid Party Killers

Nothing this good is meant to last. House parties may seem indestructible while in full force but in reality they are delicate ecosystems that could implode at a moment’s notice. A visit by the cops can potentially be delayed or even avoided by simply notifying your neighbours a day in advance. They obviously won’t like the idea, but if you can’t beat it, you should join it.

Nothing kills the vibe faster than a physical fight breaking out. Luckily this can be easily avoided by not inviting anyone from Edgemead or Fish Hoek to your party. If you are hosting your party in Edgemead or Fish Hoek the same rules still apply. Every city has a couple of these suburbs, you know who you are.

Pro tips for hosts

• If you have budget for decorations, spend it on more booze and snacks instead.
• Make sure the toilet's have enough toilet paper rolls to build a fort with.
• Baby-proof the house (imagine eighty-five adult-sized babies when doing so).

Pro tips for guests

• Eat a meal before you arrive.
• Don’t dive-bomb into a pool with your cellphone and wallet in your pocket.
• Never ever leave a good bottle of whiskey unattended on the kitchen counter. 

Part of me wishes people kept their shit together at house parties, but honestly, that defeats the purpose of having one. We live within an environment of constant restraint, so having a space to rebel against conventions is vital to one's sanity. So go forth and be obnoxiously loud, dance like a tool and make unsavoury jokes with people you’ve just met. It’s really good for you, I promise.