How To Rage

You’ve earned your end of school vac - make the most of it

Words: Melly Neil | Illustrations: Bennett Atkinson

Nowadays you don’t even need to fight for your right to party; it’s a God-given right that just as soon as you’ve finished writing your final exam you’ll leave for either Ballito, Umhlanga or Plettenberg Bay and jol so hard you won’t be able to feel your face.

Rage is all about closing the chapter of your life that was filled with 12 years of uniforms, crap haircuts, idiot teachers and stupid rules. And you do this by showing off a lot of flesh (tanks for him, cheeky denim cutoffs for her), casual hook ups and sport drinking. 

Most parents consider Rage to be a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah, but you’ll probably view it as Spring Break the South African Edition and the best kind of preparation for university.

And while we don’t expect you to Netflix and Chill we’d appreciate it if you at least read our little list so that you don’t become a statistic.

Buy a Rage Passport

They’re not cheap (R650 – R3k), but even if you flunked maths literacy you’ll know that five days of Sound Factory events, after parties and transport will cost much more than even the Black Passport does. Use your parents’ paranoia to your advantage and tell them that a Rage Passport is crucial to your safety, as the wristbands contain all of your personal and medical information and when swiped at each venue will update your Facebook status so that everyone knows where you are.

Money money money…

Budgeting is hard. Trying to stick to your budget while on the biggest jol of your life is even tougher. Try and sort out your accommodation, transport, food, drink and party supplies beforehand, so that even if you blow your budget on the second night you’ll at least have a roof over your head and some boxes of cereal for the rest of the trip.

What happens at Rage stays online

Being a barsexual is a great way to get guys to buy you drinks, but because everyone who hasn’t already lost their iPhone 6s will be filming this act, consider that whatever you do will go on to live on the internet and haunt you for life.

Rage is real

The underdeveloped 18-year old male brain is temperamental at the best of times, and is especially volatile when operating on a cocktail of Creatine and triple vodka Monsters. Remember, nobody will be impressed by you klapping someone, but when the consequences are having your passport revoked or being sued by a rich parent, it’s almost always better to walk away than brawl. However, sometimes you have to fight and in those instances our advice is - keep your tongue behind your teeth, hit first and hit hard. Then get out of there before you’re a) dribbed by a bouncer b) bottled by an opportunist or c) fingered as the aggressor and forced to pay for whatever has been broken in the scuffle.

Find the Red Frogs

If you took the mushrooms you may have already seen them. And if you still can’t feel your face then keep looking because these guys do things like hand out waters outside of the club, make pancakes that they then give away for free and do other good deeds like hold your hair back when you vom.

Avoid creeps

Those guys who speak about being in Std. 9 a few years ago are lying. Nobody has been in Std-anything since Nineteen ninety something. If a guy’s got a beard or crow’s-feet then run a mile because there’s something very wrong with the type of man who preys on teenagers.

Drinking and driving can kill you

It’s simple: Organise lifts before the jol, use Uber and don’t get into cars with people who have been drinking.

Drinking can kill you

Sure you’ve made it through a coupla house parties and might even have a festival or two under your belt, however, when you’re drinking from wake up to pass-out there’s a good chance that you’ll get alcohol poisoning. And if you don’t die then your hangover will make you wish you were dead. So line your stomach before each binge and remember that Rage is no place for banting. Another thing, avoid sugary drinks that don’t taste like booze, because these sneak up on you. Rather stick to beer because you can chug six of these and then brag to all your friends how many beers you’ve drunk. Drink lots of water. Even if you’re not thirsty. Just drink it. Just not from the jug on the bar because…

Spiking happens

Spiking drinks is a reality and if you spot anything sus then that’s a good enough reason to break the “no fighting” rule. Employ the buddy system and look out for everyone in your squad. The minute someone feels ill you need to round up the posse and get that person to safety. Don’t ever take an unopened drink from a stranger and we heard a story once about a dodgy barman who would spike ice blocks, so again, rather stick to beer and insist that it’s opened in front of you.

Learn this trick

Sometimes you’ll be forced to drink something out of a bottle. If you don’t want to actually drink whatever’s in there then there’s this trick you can do where you use your tongue to plug the neck of the bottle and you just feign drinking motions by closing your eyes and dipping your head back and swallowing fake sips. Don’t forget to pull a face afterwards.

The thing about sex

You know how you thought school was a drag? An abortion, STD or a baby is even worse. A condom can help. Not behaving like a walking hormone is even better. And if a guy is getting pushy with a girl who is clearly not in to him then you’re welcome to break that “no fighting” rule again.

Just say no

Before you leave for Rage you and your crew should do a movie night where you watch Trainspotting, Requiem for a Dream, The Man With The Golden Arm and season one of The Wire back to back. By no means should you watch Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, Friday, Dazed and Confused, Pineapple Express, Half Baked or Cheech and Chong Up in Smoke.

Phone your mom

Now is not the time to try and claim your independence. Don’t be proud. At some point you’ll need to phone your folks and ask them for more money. The best way to do this is if you phone them every day and then halfway through your trip casually mention that you need more money. If they say no then some good arguments to help your cause include: a) “I was a good student and finished school without ever repeating a grade – look at how much money I’ve saved you!” b) “My grades weren’t good enough to get into university – look at how much money I’ve saved you!” c) “One day you’ll be in an old age home asking me to send you money. Consider this loan as a retirement plan of sorts. Did you hear that some old people have to eat cat food?”