17.10.2015

Weekly Web Boners Vol. 25

Playboy gets clean, Yoko talks sex, The Kiffness tackle Telkom, and SA’s dark newsweek

No nudes is good news

So Playboy is scrapping nudity! I was surprised by the announcement, but after a few minutes it’s easy to understand why. Truthfully it should come as a shock to nobody. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m devastated, but mostly for 11-year-old boys around the world, for whom sexual discovery is now so overt and accessible. Back in the late 90s, the classmate with the older brother was king. A secret stash of Playboys was worth its weight in gold (Hello Danni Minogue – I’ll never forget you!), there weren’t many other places where you could, as a pre-teen, discover naked women. There were occasional films, holidays to Cape Town’s beachfront, naughty packs of cards from the flea market and those pens where the ink would drain away to reveal naked ladies hidden behind. Then came the 2000s and suddenly Etv assured young boys of scheduled boob time every Saturday night! After that the internet blew up and porn is now everywhere: social media – porn, Youtube – porn, shopping for lettuce – porn. Playboy recognise this, and as the giants that brought sex from the taboo to the mainstream, revolutionising how we approach the subject, they’ve recognised that their centrefold product is dead in the water. Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler Magazine, is of the opinion that porn is porn is porn, and that Playboy are misunderstanding what it is that they’re actually selling, but perhaps one day the old joke will be reversed, and men will have to explain to dismayed partners, “No, no, no, I buy Playboy for the sexually suggestive imagery, not the articles!” Let it also be recognised that in announcing this new strategy, chief executive Scott Flanders made one of the most scathing corporate put-downs of recent times when he said, “The difference between us and Vice, is that we’re going after the guy with a job.” Me-ow.

No, no, no, Yoko Ono

Do you guys follow Yoko Ono on Twitter? Ah man, if I had it my way then every single edition of Weekly Web Boners would be a compilation of her week’s tweets accompanied by my drunken analysis. Total nutter. She’s almost challenging you to doubt her authenticity, the beyond-parody madwoman – no wonder Paul couldn’t handle her. Anyway this week she had a candid interview with the The Daily Beast where she explained, among other things, how John Lennon, long suspected to have had a gay relationship with manager Brian Epstein, could not follow through with his gay desires because he was “too inhibited”, and that he simply didn’t want to anyway because any man he would have sex with would have had to be both physically attractive and “mentally very advanced, too. And you can’t find people like that.” Anyone else find this weird? On one hand accusing her husband of being too scared to go ahead and act out his gay desires while simultaneously blowing up his standards – “No man was handsome and clever enough for my husband to sleep with”. Bizarre. News. Internet. Howzit.

QI just got a little bit less interesting

Absolutely devastated about this one you guys. Stephen Fry, the role model, inspiration and patron saint of homosexuality, atheism, depression, general knowledge and quite interestingness has announced his intention to step down as host of the hit BBC panel show QI at the end of this season, a tenure that lasted 13 years. It’s like alchemy you see; yin and yang, give and take – every action has an equal and opposite reaction – and this is what we get for Jeremy Clarkson’s right wing, conservative, racist behaviour – we’ve now lost the left wing, liberal equivalent, and now balance is restored in the world. As a consolation, Sandy Toksvig is really great and I think she’s a great choice to be the new host. I’m sure her transition will prove a lot smoother than Trevor Noah’s, the joke-stealing naughty man!

The Kiffness take on Telkom

Have you seen how The Kiffness have been absolutely destroying online this week? They’ve absolutely sonned Telkom with their latest video and I for one couldn’t be happier. I have literally never heard of a single person who has had a good customer experience with the parastatal, and yet sadly we South Africans have no other options to turn to. The more big names that publically parody them the better, and you don’t get much bigger than a band that happens to be sitting on The Superbalist 100!

SA’s dark newsday

So in just over the course of a single day South Africa had the amount of terrible headline-grabbing stories that most newspapers get in one month. In Johannesburg we had the awful tragedy where a bridge being constructed over the M1 near Sandton collapsed, killing two and injuring loads of others. The immediate response from the construction company Murray & Roberts as well as media and police was, laughably, that a strong gust of wind caused this tragedy, rather than gross negligence. Subsequently though it has become clear that Murray & Roberts are seemingly directly responsible for this, and they have already indicated that they will be funding the funerals of both victims – as if that was enough. An inquest will be held, and let’s hope that justice will be served against a giant company that claims to uphold safety standards. Meanwhile, across town at Wits University, students have been holding massive protests against management’s announced 10.5% tuition fee increase beginning next year, as well as the current outsourcing system in place at the university. Thousands of students placed the campus under lockdown, blocking the gates and preventing people from leaving, leading to police entering the premises and physically handling several students. In Cape Town on Tuesday there was a bizarre shooting and suicide in broad daylight in the Cape Town Train Station that left Twitter confused and intrigued. Allegedly a robbery gone wrong, with men disguising themselves as Muslim women, using police firearms, with numerous accomplices – we still aren’t exactly sure what actually happened but I for one can’t wait for the film version of it to come out. Finally, it’s been announced that Oscar is being released into house arrest on Tuesday. Let it sink in that for the “culpable homicide” of Reeva Steenkamp he will have spent 12 months in prison. Horrible stuff.

Animal crackers

Finally, it’s important that you keep up with the most important story to have emerged this week. Here’s the headline: “Former London Zoo meerkat expert fined for glassing monkey-handler in row over llama-keeper”. It’s like my mother always told me: never get involved with the meerkat expert. They’re high on libido and low on temperament. Though to be honest, I expect an experienced monkey handler to do more than just roll over when attacked. Stand up for what’s yours woman! Stand up for your llama keeper!