Your friendly winter dating guide
Words: Talya Galasko | Illustrations: Kobie Nieuwoudt
There’s no better time to be single than during the summer. Some well-deserved time away from work/school, endless partying, holiday drinking without fear of the morning after, tanning on the beach, clubbing on the beach, one fling, two, three – who’s counting?
Unfortunately, this is the proverbial peak in the mountain that is your single life and by the time winter arrives this lavish and unsustainable lifestyle takes a turn for the worse – eventually becoming no more than a pitiful situation to the same, once-envious and now-sorry-for-you onlookers. There just seems to be something less glamorous about doing all of the things you did during summer, during winter. Beach visits? Pass. Partying in the clothes you wore all day? Unlikely. Dining out alone? A cry for help. Cinema Nouveau plus upsized combo for one? A given.
Let’s face it: going through winter alone can be tough. Getting out of bed, getting to the gym, getting sick, getting takeaways, getting, erm, laid – it just can’t be done alone. So in the hopes of drafting a list of activities you should be doing over the winter, we’ve ended up instead with a list of people you should be doing. Take note of your seasonal expectations and find a companion that corresponds with them – it’s that simple.
The Hot Water Bottle
Unlike our mammalian counterparts, we're not afforded the option of hibernating and/or growing longer body hair. Even if you’re hairier than the average human, we remain doubtful that your long locks and lashes would be enough to shield you from the cold of winter – unless of course you’re genetically inclined this way. If your resting body temperature is sub-par, you’ll probably need someone who’s slightly rounder along the edges and capable of heating up like a hot water bottle without having to endure much physical exertion. This type can probably be found wearing a T-shirt and shorts around the middle of May/June/etc. (but don’t be confused by Americans studying abroad – that’s just their style).
So you’re simply unskilled in the art of winter. Perhaps you’ve spent the better part of the past five years living between the Northern and Southern hemispheres during their respective summers, avoiding the cold, playing poker and leading the life we all want. Alternatively, you’re from Durban and have never lived through a real winter. You’ll probably need a person skilled in the art of winter (go figure), who does not necessarily love the season as much as the absolute winter lover (see below) but nevertheless knows:
grandmother’s minestrone recipe
how to make a fire from logs of wood/chopsticks
how to restore an inside/out umbrella to its former shape
the best of what’s on Netflix (and has uncapped wifi of course)
The Exemplary Party Animal
If the cold weather is insufficient in deterring you from partying, you’ll probably need someone as bloody ridiculous as you are. Come rain or sinus infection, this person will see you from one party to the next, stopping only for Steers or to hold your hair back. Ideal candidates have most probably never been sick during their lifetime, need little sleep, have a drinking problem with little capacity for self-reflection, as well as crippling FOMO. (‘Does not take no for an answer’ means 10 bonus points; ‘DJs as a side job’ means 20).
The Absolute Winter Lover
Perhaps things are serious and you suffer from seasonal affective disorder (known otherwise as SADs – a clinical depression brought on during winter, and thought to be caused by a lack of light, or for the purpose of this article – although based entirely upon no available or impending investigation – a lack of companionship). Your safest option going forward is to find someone whose blind love for winter will see you rediscovering the season from both a fresh perspective and, inevitably, the park bench at your local ice-skating rink.
If you’re sick no less than twice but no more than five times during winter you’ll probably need someone skilled in the art of healing – italicised here to indicate our lax requirements. This person has either completed or is in the process of completing his/her degree in medicine/pharmacology or simply frequents WebMD (but is not quick to diagnosis). Hang around your local pharmacy to find this type – they can generally be seen approaching the person behind the counter with a list of what they have and (therefore) need – knowing of course the difference between ACC200, AirMune, Corenza C, Coryx, Oscillococcinum and Linctagon C.
The Alarm Clock
So you’re a compulsive over-sleeper, undeterred by the responsibilities of the day, sound, and light in general. Your ability to sleep through several alarm clocks is worsened by the fact that the sun basically rises at 11am, at 11 degrees, during the winter. You’ll probably need an early bird that catches the worm. This candidate is able to get you out of bed either by delivering coffee to your bedside – home-brewed and served in your mug of choice, or procured in a takeaway cup during a morning stroll – or by simply asking you not to leave his/her apartment so late.