11.08.2015

Weekly Web Boners Vol. 18

Slip, slide, hover, find, protein shakes and rat tails

 Words: Max Dylan Lazarus

Cape Town’s getting a slide

Sorry to start this off in such a curmudgeonly tone but I’m bloody upset. Is this actually happening? Seriously? When I was a laaitie growing up there was absolutely nothing better than a Slip & Slide. Assembly was pretty simple: peg down a soap-covered groundsheet in the back garden with a hosepipe on the side and the kids were guaranteed hours of fun. Knees were chafed sliding too roughly, the plants got wrecked by the foam that accumulated in greater amounts than at Dockside in the early 2000s, but parents didn’t mind – this was just how you celebrated birthdays in the 90s, and us kids knew that it was actually impossible to have any more fun than that. Well, so we thought – thanks for ruining my childhood Slide the City! It’s been announced that a 300-metre slide taking up 3 lanes will be set up right through the middle of Cape Town! For real? Man, and its not even anyone’s birthday! Kids today are totally spoiled. Next thing we’ll hear that the Mother City is opening a rugby-field-sized Trampoline Park like I dreamed of as a boy…

All aboard for the hoverboard

Speaking of childhood fantasies – anyone that ever watched Back to the Future has dreamed of owning their very own hoverboard. Any kid who has ever wiped out doing a speed-wobble on a skateboard has dusted themselves down and thought to themselves, "If only I could do this but without wheels, and also I’m flying." Well, after teasing a sceptical public several months back, Lexus have finally revealed their first model hoverboard, and it bloody works! It’s amazing! I mean sure, you can only skate on a predesigned track and you have to keep the board at a ridiculously cold temperature for it to operate but still – it’s progress, right? The future is now baby! Giant waterslides, trampoline cities, hoverboards! Someone pinch me before I come crashing down to earth.

MH370 rediscovered

Shit. It’s been over 500 days since MH370 mysteriously crashed leaving 239 people dead and little to no answer as to how and why it happened – until now (maybe). For context, the crash happened around the same time that Russia invaded Crimea, Ebola was going to end all civilisation, and the first smatterings of the existence of ISIS were coming to light. MH370 was pretty much The Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, and it signalled the beginning of the end. Now, with hindsight, perhaps we were overreacting somewhat – because as shown in earlier posts things are clearly excellent in the world at the moment. More to the point: pieces of the plane have (maybe) been found on the island of Reunion. The reason this isn’t certain is because different parties are claiming different things. While Malaysia claims that these are parts of the plane and that soon the reasons for the crash will be known, France says that there is no certainty that this is MH370 and any announcement is premature, and the families of the survivors are left with no real answers, just a Malaysian government very eager to put this all behind them.

Lenny's trouser-snake

That was a bit of a downer, let’s lighten this up: Hey guys did you see Lenny Kravitz’s penis? Last week’s big music news was Drake and Meek Mill shouting poetry at one another. This was news. Lenny Kravitz reminded us what real music beef is by bursting onto our Twitter newsfeeds in the most rock-and-roll way possible: bursting his leather pants onstage during a concert in Sweden and revealing his bejewelled, embellished trouser-snake (nsfw). The internet went into a hilarious frenzy, with Lenny himself joining in the conversation soon after to share fellow rocker Steven Tyler’s thoughts on the matter.

The Rat Pastor

On the topic of OMG snake incidents; prophet Penuel Mnguni, a pastor here in South Africa, has had his congregants eat live snakes in a mad religious fervour. We’ve had quite a history of these sort of things in small churches here in SA, with different pastors showing off their religious influence by making congregants eat grass like cows, drink gasoline, eat rat tails, and shaking wildly in a trance like the 16-year-old first-timer at the electro stage at Rocking the Daisies. The SA Council of Churches have gotten together this week to condemn the behaviour of Mnguni, saying that they will have to create a registered database of legit prophets. Speaking of which, remember that Nigerian prophet TB Joshua that had all those South Africans die in his illegally built church and blamed it on a passing plane and the government said they’d get to the bottom of it? Let’s move on…

Protein shakes? Gimme some more!

Finally, in the most important news story of the week; Busta Rhymes was arrested and charged with assault for throwing his protein shake at a fellow muscly patron at Steel Gym in Manhattan. TIME reports that, “There’s been no confirmation yet regarding the cause of the fight, the particular brand of protein—likely a whey composite—used in the assault or the status of the victim.” We give 10 points to Busta if he screamed “Break your f****n neck!” as he threw the shake, and an astounding 100 if he managed to shout “Baby if you give it to me, I'll give it to you, I know what you want”.