Weekly Web Boners

Words: Max Dylan Lazarus | Illustration: Amber Pretorius

Comic Con

We start this week with San Diego Comic Con. For those of you not in the know, Comic Con is Geek Mecca – it’s pretty much Coachella for nerds. Everyone dresses up like they’re going to a Furry swingers party but nobody throws shade their way. In fact it’s quite the opposite; with the surge in popularity of comic books and nerd culture in recent years, the event has become a huge exhibition of all the cultural reference points you can expect to be inundated with over the next 12 months. So what did we learn? Well it would appear that the next Star Wars film is being treated with such love and care that it might actually satisfy expectations (famous last words right?), while the latest trailer revealing Ben Affleck’s new Batman has already silenced some of the haters. The most exciting reveal for us though was the sneak peak trailer of the star-studded Suicide Squad. Jared Leto, Will Smith and Cara Delevingne as famous supervillians? I mean sure the movie looks terrible but come on – Margot Robbie is in it! Margot Robbie… I love you…

Thirsty Ronaldo

Turns out we weren’t the only ones impressed by Margot Robbie in the Suicide Squad advert. Apparently football superstar Cristiano Ronaldo saw it too, and unsurprisingly for a footballer as direct as he is; he took the less subtle route to goal. The patron saint of Veet and Abflex was caught by fans going on a thirsty late-night Instagram spree, liking several of her pictures soon after landing in her native Australia. It’s kind of reassuring really – To think that someone like Cristiano Ronaldo can also fall victim to the silly mistakes we all make while lusting on social media. Cristiano: in future rather hold back, don’t like those old pictures, maybe invite her to play Words with Friends instead.

Mick Fanning, shark-puncher

On the topic of unbelievable physical specimens hungry for a delicious bite, Aussie surfer Mick Fanning survived a shark attack at the J-Bay Pro this last weekend. The 34-year-old was competing in the final to retain the title he won last year when suddenly he was confronted with a huge shark coming in to take a chomp. What happened next was the most Australian thing ever caught on camera: He punched the bugger right in the back. “I just saw the fin, I didn’t see the teeth. I was waiting for the teeth to come at me as I was swimming ... I punched it in the back.” Now that’s a badass. Eat your heart out, Chopper Reid.

Florida turtle-rider

In the wake of Sunday’s shark attack, social media has been saturated with hordes of people attempting to empathise with sharks. You've probably heard someone say, “You know, the ocean is the sharks’ habitat. We as a species made the decision to leave the waters eons ago; now we are simply guests frequenting their space.” Put down the bong Kai, speaking like Owen Wilson isn’t a substitute for actual depth. So why did this attack happen you ask? Revenge: pure and simple. Last week a Miami man managed to catch a sea turtle, and tried to ride its back like Aquaman before he speared a passing Nurse Shark. YOU THINK SHARKS JUST FORGIVE THAT SORT OF THING? After centuries of coexistence, our peace is now shattered. This is only the beginning of a very long war between Man and Ocean. God help us all.

Iran and America break bread

In light of this, I guess it's cause for slight celebration that the USA and Iran have managed to reach some kind of diplomatic agreement regarding the latter’s nuclear program (after all, we’ll never be able to defeat the armies of dolphins and seals unless we work together as humans). In short, America has decided to lift economic sanctions on Iran so long as they limit their nuclear capability, in effect committing to only enrich enough uranium for energy use, and not to build the bomb. American critics have lambasted those involved saying that Iran is not to be trusted and that this policy of appeasement will only lead to a better-armed enemy in future. I for one agree they are not to be trusted but for entirely different reasons – all it took was one quick Google search to see whose side the Iranians are REALLY on.

Loch Ness Monster

In the final piece of aquatic monster news from this last week, the world’s premier Loch Ness Monster expert has come out and explicitly denied the loveable creature’s existence. Steve Feltham – who left his wife and job 25 years ago to spend his days searching for Nessie from a van alongside the lake –suggests that what everyone has been seeing all this time is nothing more than a very big Wels Catfish. It’s more likely than the alternative I guess, but what does he think now that his entire life-purpose has been, well, catfished? He says, "If you have a dream, no matter how harebrained others think it is, then it is worth trying to make it come true. Have I ever regretted my decision? Never, not for one second."