30.06.2015

The Glastonbury Tribe Guide

10 people you’re almost certain to stand in a line with

Illustrations: Sabrina Scott

Ever since Celts, druids, pagans and other weirdy-beardies first started getting turnt at regular moonlit gatherings, the Brits have taken to fields like mad cows. Glastonbury is the biggest and best of the bunch, and the modern day tribes range from middle-aged couples trying to regain their youth, to clearly underage youngsters attempting to appear older. Not forgetting the jocks, yuppies, hipsters, glampers and grungy mud men and women wallowing in this primordial ooze to chase a feverish beat.

Glastonbury has undoubtedly become more mainstream: Kanye West headlined on the Pyramid Stage this year, and the entry fee has gone up considerably since the Glastonbury Fayre had Tyrannosaurus Rex headlining and cost £1. But the basic tenets remain the same: environmentalism, spiritual awareness and freedom.

Glastonbury offers people an opportunity to express themselves freely and creatively without the constraints of societal norms. Which when given their rathers most people answer by wearing a silly hat. Here are just a handful of the tribes that you can expect to see at this year’s event.

Miss Cultural Misappropriation

Can be spotted by her Native American headdress worn with Hiawatha tasseled moccasins. This party-hearty Pocahantas is to 2015 what Wiggas were to the early naughties. If you must take from a culture that’s not your own, then at least have some imagination and come up with something original. Nobody is doing Rhodesian When-We's Chic, yet, and we have a feeling that with just the right amount of khaki and lack of personal style, this could just be the next big thing. Or not.

Miss Hunter Wellies

Little did Kate Moss know that when she wore her cheeky denim shorts, Hunter Wellington boots, messy hair and two-day old eyeliner to Glasto 2003 she’d single handedly created a look that would be mimicked by women at festivals all across the globe for years to come.

Miss Maybe She’s Born With It

While everyone is caked in mud and looking as if they’re coming off of a two-day bender, which they probably are, there are the Sienna Miller/Sadie Frost/Primrose Hill types in their midriff-baring crotched tops, skin glowing, hair perfect… These girls almost always have a backstage laminate hanging around their perfectly kept heads and reference the best bits from the hippy movement – floaty dresses, florals, earth tones, headbands, feathers, crochet, tinted sunglasses – without smelling like one.

Grunge Girl

The antithesis to the Maybe She’s Born With It, this woman understands that Glastonbury isn’t a catwalk and rocks one classic festival look that gets grimier by the day. This is a casual look dominated by band T-shirts, denim, leather, flannel, parka jackets, Converse Chuck Taylors and a serious sense of fun.

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Nobs

Middle management dudes who use Glastonbury as an excuse to show off their quirky side, all jesters' hats, onesies, mankini’s and slogan T-shirts. Usually these weekend whack jobs don’t have an original bone in their body and once you’ve gone deeper than their outfits you’ll quickly learn that they’re about as fun as filling in a tax return.

The Vets

“Should’ve been here earlier, mate,” they say stroking their greying chins, a twinkle in their rheumy eye and armfuls of wristbands hiding the liver spots on their arms. They still refer to Glasto as the Glastonbury Fayre and will chew your ear off about bands like Mighty Baby and how much better the music was back when there were only two stages.

The Suburban Parents

They’ve made their virgin Glastonbury pilgrimage – bringing their fold-up deckchairs and wet wipes and hand sanitiser and earplugs and raincoats and sunblock and torches – in order to drop their first ecstasy pill. They will, inevitably, spend a tenner on an aspirin.

Little Miss Raver

This look is all about skin-tight and multicoloured body suits, trippy sunglasses, disco pants, neon wigs, cartoon prints, bold patterns, white denim, bandeau tops, face paint, vest tops and following around an older gentleman in cargo pants who keeps muttering “trips, trips” rather conspicuously.

The Free Spirit

Channeling the best parts of Alexa Chung and Daisy Lowe in items like dungarees, beanies, a plaid shirt tied around the waist, Docs, chunky jewellery, florals… whatever was at this season’s shows, she then takes everything and mixes it up into one super trendy package. With a guitar in hand, in order to really drive home the message of wanderlust, and a selfie stick in the other, she then proceeds to Instagram the shit out of her every outfit. 

The Glamper

Okay, so the vets did get something right. Back in the day Glastonbury was better for one simple reason: No Winnebagos filled with footballers, WAGs and reality TV stars. Still, if you’re a Miss Maybe She’s Born With It then you’re almost certainly a Glamper, too. How else do you explain the “like-you-just-stepped-out-of-a-salon” hair, and the “because-I’m-worth-it” sense of entitlement? A mobile home means luxury on-site facilities, and even if you couldn’t organise one in time there’s always the luxe tipi village or, best yet, knowing someone who lives in Glastonbury and then shuttling in every day. Because along with a plug point for your GHD you need somewhere to store your designer sunglasses, designer wellies, designer drugs, silk scarves, Silk Road swag, cocaine and corgis.